The Home Office
Somewhere we are keeping secret
Dear Balding Loon,
Thank you for your letter and petition on the subject of the Madeleine McCann investigation. It is unusual for us to receive an approach where the covering letter is eight times the length of the petition and contains fourteen addenda, so it certainly caused a stir in the office. I am writing to you in my capacity as the most junior Minister we thought we could get away with.
The government takes all such approaches very seriously. As I am sure you will appreciate, this is an ongoing investigation, so it would be inappropriate to comment, other than to say ''Mind your own business, you festering twat'' and note your concerns.
You are quite right in your assertion that considerable resources are devoted to this investigation; however as you are shafted on a monthly basis by Messers Sue-it and Grab, to a point where you cease to be a taxpayer, it is none of your business, Slaphead.
As previously stated, this is an ongoing investigation, so I have forwarded your letter to Operation Grange, from whom I have received the following reply.
"Oh joy of joys, another missive from the Harlow Halfwit. Mary, warm up that shredder, petal. I've got a job for you....."
I do hope this addresses your concerns. Thank you for the interest you have shown in writing to the Home Office. If I may be of any further help, please do hesitate a long, long time before contacting me and bear in mind that I will have changed my name, address and phone number prior to moving to the Faroe Islands where I intend to live, disguised as a goat.
Mr Percy Smallholding
Under-Under-Under-Under Secretary of State for Chewing Gum Removal.