The author in his prime

Saturday, 11 June 2016

That very Important reply from the Home Office in full........

The Home Office
Somewhere we are keeping secret
London



Dear Balding Loon,

Thank you for your letter and petition on the subject of the Madeleine McCann investigation. It is unusual for us to receive an approach where the covering letter is eight times the length of the petition and contains fourteen addenda, so it certainly caused a stir in the office. I am writing to you in my capacity as the most junior Minister we thought we could get away with. 

The government takes all such approaches very seriously. As I am sure you will appreciate, this is an ongoing investigation, so it would be inappropriate to comment, other than to say ''Mind your own business, you festering twat'' and note your concerns.

You are quite right in your assertion that considerable resources are devoted to this investigation; however as you are shafted on a monthly basis by Messers Sue-it and Grab, to a point where you cease to be a taxpayer, it is none of your business, Slaphead. 

As previously stated, this is an ongoing investigation, so I have forwarded your letter to Operation Grange, from whom I have received the following reply.

"Oh joy of joys, another missive from the Harlow Halfwit. Mary, warm up that shredder, petal. I've got a job for you....."

I do hope this addresses your concerns. Thank you for the interest you have shown in writing to the Home Office. If I may be of any further help, please do hesitate a long, long time before contacting me and bear in mind that I will have changed my name, address and phone number prior to moving to the Faroe Islands where I intend to live, disguised as a goat.

Yours faithfully,










Mr Percy Smallholding

Under-Under-Under-Under Secretary of State for Chewing Gum Removal.



Sunday, 22 May 2016

Coming soon........

Apologies for my prolonged break, normal service will be resumed soon. In the meantime, here's something to be going on with .............

http://randommomentsofutterstupidity.blogspot.co.uk/

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Mahoosive Irony Klaxon

From the fragrant pages of the Cesspit


Therefore you are suggesting that all of (1) Kate McCann (2) Gerry McCann (3) Catriona Baker and (4) the proof-readers, advisers, lawyers and publishers of Kate McCann's book 'madeleine' are all either lying or mistaken in saying that the Lobsters crèche was based at the Ocean Club reception.

I am even more puzzled and astonished before at your reasoning


Thursday, 3 March 2016

Calling Mr Baldylocks; Come in Baldylocks, your time is up




Remember this?


"As far back as 9 December 2007, the satirical internet journal Anorak brought news of how Stephen Winyard was hosting week-long swinging parties - an echo of claims long made by McCann blogger 'Textusa' "

You should do, Baldylocks. You said it. 

So here's the article link again


http://www.anorak.co.uk/178278/madeleine-mccann/madeleine-mccann-and-another-thing-gordon-brown-stephen-winyard-says-and-christmas.html/


Would you like me to publish every word of that article, so that you can point to the bit you mention above? No?

Okay then.

Madeleine McCann: And Another Thing Gordon Brown, Stephen Winyard Says And Christmas

by  | 9th, December 2007
mccann-parents.jpgMADDY WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
THE PEOPLE: “Madeleine probe hit by delays”
Eight months of looking and now this headline..?
“Police plans to quiz Maddie McCann’s parents again look set to be delayed until after Christmas” – who works over Christmas?
STAR ON SUNDAY: “MCCANN QUIZMAS”
“Kate and Gerry McCann fear Portuguese police could turn up on their doorstep on Christmas Day” – They should read The People and stop worrying about “dithering Algarve detectives”; the tabloid press’s not-so-wise men
Says a source close to the couple: “They’re desperate for their first Christmas without Madeleine to be an intimate, private affair. But they’re on tenterhooks because the occasion could be gatecrashed”
Maybe their private detectives can save the day? Metodo 3 director Francisco Marco tells us: “I think it’s going very well. I am unable to say too much except that everything is very positive.” At a rate of £2,000-a-day, hard to see how things could be negative…
“MCCANNS ‘WILL BE CLEARED BY XMAS’” – so reported the Star one week ago
DAILY MAIL: “Red tape could delay questioning of McCanns until after Christmas”
“Police questioning of Gerry and Kate McCann over the disappearance of their daughter Madeleine could be delayed until after Christmas. Portuguese detectives are ready to fly to the UK and have prepared letters with questions the couple and their seven holiday friends must answer. But they are being held up by a mass of red tape”
Gerry and Kate McCann are “doctors”. Such are the facts
THE TIMES: “Brown ‘ignores’ plea by McCanns”
McCann backer Stephen Winyard, who owns a Scottish health spa, says the “shutters had gone up” after Portuguese police named Gerry and Kate McCann as suspects: “Our request to meet with ministers – the prime minister, the home secretary and the foreign secretary – has still not been met”
It was one so different with Gordon ‘Columbo’ Brown
SUNDAY HERALD: “Tycoon blasts Brown over missing Madeleine”
Stephen Winyard has also offered a £1m reward for Madeleine’s return
Says he: “”This government was elected to look after its citizens. And it’s fair to say it’s a fundamental principle of our legal system that everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty. With that in mind, I would really strongly urge that Gordon Brown, who has previously been really supportive, accede to our request for a meeting at ministerial level”
Will Gordon Brown meet the McCann party then look at every missing person and apparent crime?
Says Winyard: “Both Gerry and Kate have been through an absolute nightmare and they’re facing some very difficult weeks with Christmas coming up”
Gordon Brown is a politician. Such are the facts

So where is it? 


Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Baldylocks and the Three Spares

Coming soon........



A fairytale which will enchant the whole family




Baldylocks and the Three Spares



Once there was a sad old man called Baldylocks. Baldylocks didn't have many friends, partly because a wicked witch took most of his money, so he couldn't go out and get some.

Baldylocks, in happier times, when fruit was weighed in pounds. 



He used to have lots, but he had to send them into exile when they didn't agree with him. So now he has to make his own. That's why he calls them his Spares. They are his imaginary playmates. They can say things Baldylocks can't say, or the Wicked Judge of the West will throw him in a teensy tiny cell. He can talk to his spares, and they talk back to him, which is very useful when he isn't getting his own way.

Would you like to know who the first spare is, children?

Very well! It's this man!

This is Ray. He's Baldylocks' best friend and most important Spare.


Ray never used to be a spare. Ray was just a picture Baldylocks had lifted from a Linkedin profile because he thought he looked like a bad man who ran away with the Princess. But Ray soon became a spare, and Baldylocks often takes him out and talks to him. Usually about the Mythical Creature of the Mountains, Smithmanfoot, who Baldylocks doesn't believe in......

Come back again soon, children, and discover more about 

Baldylocks and the Three Spares


Not only, but also.......


Bennett, presumably not content with the long line of people who have taken his arse to the cleaners, looks to be actively trying to dispose of his residual income.

In a rather rambling post on CMOMM today he says the following:


"As far back as 9 December 2007, the satirical internet journal Anorak brought news of how Stephen Winyard was hosting week-long swinging parties - an echo of claims long made by McCann blogger 'Textusa' "


Swings, as used by filthy perverts who probably have an account with DeviantArt, the dirty bastards


This follows hot on the heels of one of Textusa's simpletons finding a reference to swinging on a swinging site. Well, bugger me backwards with a blunt market vegetable. 

Anyhoo, here is a link to the Anorak article of 9th December 2007. Could Baldylocks please point out where the bit about the week long swinging parties is? Because there would appear to be no mention whatsoever.....

http://www.anorak.co.uk/178278/madeleine-mccann/madeleine-mccann-and-another-thing-gordon-brown-stephen-winyard-says-and-christmas.html/

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

GoFuckYourself


As you will know, the impoverished tramp swore in court that he would stop flapping his gums in the general direction of the McCann pair
It was slowly dawning on staff at the Hammersmith Apollo that they had booked the wrong Tony Bennett.....

In return, the aforesaid pair agreed to take an enormous sum up front, followed by a considerable sum every month for the following ten years, and to park the other vast sum on a plinth surrounded by a forcefield in the meantime, provided he went away and was a good boy in future.

Naturally, Mr Greased Lightweight readily agreed to this.

The judge added his best wishes in the form of a prison sentence, suspended for two years, provided he was a good boy and kept himself out of trouble.


So, the malodorous one retired to a life of slightly less luxury than he had before, having vowed never again to speak of the matter.


The problem is, he's a McCannoholic. Before long, he was back, hitting the 'source' again, as if he had never been away.

I think maybe the thought crossed his mind that the two years was up, he can't be thrown in the clink now, so it was worth a go, perhaps forgetting that if he was dragged back to court he would still be liable for the forcefield to be dropped and the whopping sum on the plinth to become applicable again.

What is perhaps more likely though, and has been postulated in certain circles, is that having seen the success of the Amaral Defence fund he thought "Oooh, they will do this for me, their hero, and then they'll have to let me back on the telly"

So here is your chance........

Today, you too can make your feelings known, and without parting with any cash, declare your level of support for the Blue-Ink Crusader, thanks to a special package designed by GoFuckYourself.com.

Simply tick the box for the level of support you would like to offer

The Bronze Package 
"I would like Mr Bennett to GoFuckHimself for 1 year" 





The Silver Package
"I would like Mr Bennett to GoFuckHimself for 5 years, and to lose his remaining hair"



The Gold Package
"I would like Mr Bennett to GoFuckHimself on a permanent basis and then be sued by all the witnesses he has accused of lying, before finally being rehoused next to a gay Muslim family with a transgender dog. In France. 

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Operation Grange celebrates arrival of Holmes 3



In a landmark move, Operation Grange is the first team in the UK to be granted access to a sophisticated new filing system, specifically designed to deal with unsolicited dossiers, DVDs and vexatious FOI requests, which has been nicknamed ''Holmes 3"




"Holmes 3" gets to work on the latest Hollywood blockbuster from director Richard "Dicky" Bollocks, "They Were All Lying Bastards", written by Tony Gobshyte a team of expert researchers.

"We are delighted" said Chief Inspector Earl Lee Retirement. "You have no idea how much shite we are sent on a weekly basis. Admittedly, some of it is fucking hilarious, but I've got three men off sick with hernias. It's just not worth it"

"Now we don't even unload the van, our Postie just drives it up a ramp and fucks off at the earliest opportunity"

The system is even kind to the environment, as the waste is recycled into toilet paper.

"At the moment we can only offer the toilet paper in one colour, thanks to the high levels of blue ink in the pulp, so you probably would have to have a blue khazi, to be honest. But let's face it, you are only going to wipe your arse on it"

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Insomnia?

Available now!

Have you often wished you could be arsed reading an entire Bennett post, but life is just too short?

Do you lose the will to live when confronted with all that blue ink?

The solution is here!

Available now on U-Bend:

Bennett's Bores - the Audiobook!

Yes, soothingly read aloud in a soft Geordie accent, these recordings induce loud guffaws and incredulous shrieks, before promoting a deep, restful sleep.

In 4 handy hour-long episodes, your narrator takes you into a world of evil nannies, perverted bystanders and well-dodgy holidaymakers, in a series of conveniently numbered bullet points.

Don't delay - get your copy free, now, at U-Bend

 (Previously available at £20. Last week. Suckers)

"Jesus Christ, what a load of absolute bollocks"

Friday, 19 February 2016

The Cesspit



I refer to the Cesspit as a cesspit, because that's exactly what it is. A foul-smelling, poisonous collection of human effluent with Bennett as a particularly large turd, floating about and telling all the other turds how to think

The most amusing part of your little tantrum, Bennett, was when you referred to someone being expelled from the cesspit for ''falsely claiming as facts things that were plainly not facts''

Did your head not spin completely off your shoulders at that point?

You have the audacity to kick someone out for porkies whilst simultaneously building an entire narrative of utter bullshit?

You are beyond parody, you worthless little runt. You are nothing more than a grease mark on the paper bag of history.


Bennett - selfie. 

Saturday, 6 February 2016

JFK



I have just had advance notification of the Mac wearer's next post.

Here it is in full.

I was asked earlier to do some research into the assassination of JFK and I am pleased to announce I have solved the mystery.

JFK was undoubtedly assassinated by none other than Robert Murat, who was then smuggled out of Portugal  the United States by Richard Branson, working in cahoots with retired spy Pamela Fenn.

The operation was bankrolled by wealthy Freemason Edward Smethurst, using the pub he owns in Lancashire as a safehouse for the Illuminati to meet in.... 

We have called an ambulance