The author in his prime

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Operation Grange celebrates arrival of Holmes 3



In a landmark move, Operation Grange is the first team in the UK to be granted access to a sophisticated new filing system, specifically designed to deal with unsolicited dossiers, DVDs and vexatious FOI requests, which has been nicknamed ''Holmes 3"




"Holmes 3" gets to work on the latest Hollywood blockbuster from director Richard "Dicky" Bollocks, "They Were All Lying Bastards", written by Tony Gobshyte a team of expert researchers.

"We are delighted" said Chief Inspector Earl Lee Retirement. "You have no idea how much shite we are sent on a weekly basis. Admittedly, some of it is fucking hilarious, but I've got three men off sick with hernias. It's just not worth it"

"Now we don't even unload the van, our Postie just drives it up a ramp and fucks off at the earliest opportunity"

The system is even kind to the environment, as the waste is recycled into toilet paper.

"At the moment we can only offer the toilet paper in one colour, thanks to the high levels of blue ink in the pulp, so you probably would have to have a blue khazi, to be honest. But let's face it, you are only going to wipe your arse on it"

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Insomnia?

Available now!

Have you often wished you could be arsed reading an entire Bennett post, but life is just too short?

Do you lose the will to live when confronted with all that blue ink?

The solution is here!

Available now on U-Bend:

Bennett's Bores - the Audiobook!

Yes, soothingly read aloud in a soft Geordie accent, these recordings induce loud guffaws and incredulous shrieks, before promoting a deep, restful sleep.

In 4 handy hour-long episodes, your narrator takes you into a world of evil nannies, perverted bystanders and well-dodgy holidaymakers, in a series of conveniently numbered bullet points.

Don't delay - get your copy free, now, at U-Bend

 (Previously available at £20. Last week. Suckers)

"Jesus Christ, what a load of absolute bollocks"

Friday, 19 February 2016

The Cesspit



I refer to the Cesspit as a cesspit, because that's exactly what it is. A foul-smelling, poisonous collection of human effluent with Bennett as a particularly large turd, floating about and telling all the other turds how to think

The most amusing part of your little tantrum, Bennett, was when you referred to someone being expelled from the cesspit for ''falsely claiming as facts things that were plainly not facts''

Did your head not spin completely off your shoulders at that point?

You have the audacity to kick someone out for porkies whilst simultaneously building an entire narrative of utter bullshit?

You are beyond parody, you worthless little runt. You are nothing more than a grease mark on the paper bag of history.


Bennett - selfie. 

Saturday, 6 February 2016

JFK



I have just had advance notification of the Mac wearer's next post.

Here it is in full.

I was asked earlier to do some research into the assassination of JFK and I am pleased to announce I have solved the mystery.

JFK was undoubtedly assassinated by none other than Robert Murat, who was then smuggled out of Portugal  the United States by Richard Branson, working in cahoots with retired spy Pamela Fenn.

The operation was bankrolled by wealthy Freemason Edward Smethurst, using the pub he owns in Lancashire as a safehouse for the Illuminati to meet in.... 

We have called an ambulance